Kid Rock Still Banished to Siberia as Global Community Refuses to End Exile for ‘Crimes Against Taste’
By Jackson Yuthosow | March 27, 2025
YAKUTSK, SIBERIA—Despite multiple appeals, Robert James Ritchie, better known by his regrettable stage name Kid Rock, remains exiled to the frozen wastelands of Siberia as the global community continues to reject his return on the grounds of excessive embarrassment.
Originally banished in 2023 under a unanimous U.N. resolution titled “Operation Bawitdaba Removal”, the former musician was forcibly relocated to an undisclosed Siberian outpost after world leaders determined that his ongoing existence in Western civilization posed an insurmountable cultural liability.
“Look, we gave Robert James Ritchie so many chances to stop being a walking Guy Fieri tribute band with worse hair,” said U.S. Secretary of State Antony Blinken in a recent statement. “But between the bedazzled denim, the aggressive use of faux-Southern accents despite being from Michigan, and the persistent belief that ‘Cowboy’ was a good song, we had no choice. The embarrassment reached critical mass.”
A Life in Exile, A Crime That Will Not Be Forgiven
Though Ritchie, 54, continues to insist he has been unfairly persecuted, his list of transgressions is staggering. The tribunal that sentenced him cited, among other offenses:
Pretending to be a working-class outlaw while growing up in a 6,000-square-foot mansion with a horse stable in suburban Michigan.
Releasing “All Summer Long”, a song that is both musically and morally offensive, which somehow ruined both Lynyrd Skynyrd and Warren Zevon at the same time.
Selling Trump-branded NFTs and insisting they were “for real Americans” while spending most of his time at Mar-a-Lago drinking imported Coors Light.
Being rejected by both country and rock communities, yet somehow persisting.
Opening a chain of restaurants that specialized in fried bologna sandwiches, despite no one asking for that.
“No single moment got him exiled—it was the full picture,” said French President Emmanuel Macron, who personally signed the U.N. order. “If it had just been the early-2000s stuff, we could have looked the other way. But he just wouldn’t stop. The frosted tips, the terrible hats, the collaborations with anyone who would give him attention—it was too much.”
Siberia: The Kid Rock Retirement Community No One Wanted
Ritchie has reportedly not fared well in exile. Stripped of his supply of gas station sunglasses and Monster Energy hoodies, the disgraced musician has been left to wander the icy tundra in a fringed leather vest, searching for an audience that does not exist.
“He keeps trying to perform for the reindeer herders, but they just walk away,” said one Russian official. “Sometimes he plays ‘Picture’ and begs them to sing Sheryl Crow’s part. No one does.”
Despite repeated petitions to have his banishment lifted, the international community remains firm.
“We have forgiven many people,” said German Chancellor Olaf Scholz, referencing historical reconciliation efforts. “But Robert James Ritchie must remain where he is. It is simply too dangerous to allow him back.”
As of press time, Ritchie was allegedly seen carving Kid Rock lyrics into the ice while humming Born Free to himself, unaware that no one is coming to save him.
A Man on the Run: The Daily Tiger Escapes of Robert James Ritchie
If Kid Rock thought exile in Siberia would be a peaceful time of reflection and denim embroidery, he was sorely mistaken. Sources close to the situation—mainly bewildered Russian wildlife rangers—report that Ritchie is now forced to flee for his life on a near-daily basis from Siberian tigers who, much like the rest of the world, find him intolerable.
“He does not understand nature,” said Vladimir Petrov, a local park ranger who has witnessed multiple incidents. “At first, we thought the tigers were attacking out of hunger, but then we realized—they just find him annoying.”
Despite being warned that a 600-pound apex predator should not be confronted like a rowdy bachelorette party at a Kid Rock’s Big Honky Tonk & Rock ‘N’ Roll Steakhouse, Ritchie has refused to adjust his behavior. He continues to strut through the tundra in a fur-lined coat with no shirt, loudly singing ‘American Bad Ass’ in an attempt to intimidate the creatures.
“This was a mistake,” said Sergei Ivanov, a hunter who has observed the bizarre phenomenon firsthand. “He doesn’t realize the tigers actually understand rhythm, and they just don’t like his music.”
On multiple occasions, Ritchie has been spotted running at full speed through waist-high snow, clutching a half-eaten Slim Jim, as a group of tigers chase him with what experts describe as ‘visible disdain.’ Some reports even suggest that the tigers have evolved to roll their eyes when they hear the first notes of Bawitdaba.
Despite these increasingly close calls, no tiger has actually finished the job, with many theorizing that even the majestic beasts of Siberia have their limits.
“They get close,” said Petrov, “but then I think they catch a whiff of Axe Body Spray and just decide it’s not worth it.”
