Revolutionary New Device Allows Snackers to Eat Cheetos Without Ever Knowing They Touched Cheetos
By Carol Underwood | March 27, 2025
Cheeto-stained fingers may soon be a thing of the past thanks to a groundbreaking new device that experts are calling “the most important technological advancement since fire.”
The CheetoVac™ 9000, developed by snack scientists at the National Institute of Casual Eating, promises to redefine the way humanity consumes cheese-dusted snacks, making chopsticks look like ancient barbarism in comparison.
“We took the core principle behind using chopsticks—avoiding Cheeto dust contamination—and pushed it to the absolute limit,” said Dr. Leo Patterson, lead engineer on the project. “The CheetoVac™ allows snackers to enjoy Cheetos without ever physically interacting with them in any way.”
How It Works
The CheetoVac™ 9000 uses a sophisticated suction-based retrieval system that lifts the Cheeto directly from the bag and delivers it precisely into the eater’s mouth—without requiring any hand-to-snack contact whatsoever.
“We realized chopsticks were great, but they still required movement, coordination, and worst of all—effort,” said Patterson. “The CheetoVac™ eliminates that problem entirely by doing all the work for you.”
Here’s how it functions:
The user places the CheetoVac™ over the snack bag
A small robotic arm gently retrieves a Cheeto
The Cheeto is placed into a vacuum-powered delivery tube
The tube extends and deposits the Cheeto directly onto the tongue
The machine whispers ‘Good job’ before resetting for the next Cheeto
Early testers report that the experience is “life-changing.”
“I feel like I’m experiencing Cheetos in their purest form—as if my body is merely a vessel for their essence,” said one beta tester, whose hands have remained perfectly clean for an unprecedented six days straight.
Is This the End of Finger-Licking Forever?
While the CheetoVac™ has been hailed as a culinary revolution, not everyone is thrilled.
“There’s something sacred about licking the last bits of cheese dust off your fingers,” said longtime Cheeto enthusiast Greg Harmon. “It’s about tradition. About connection. About being covered in the shame of your own decisions.”
Dr. Patterson, however, insists that society must evolve.
“Finger-licking was a relic of a less civilized era,” he said. “Our research suggests that by eliminating hand contamination, we can boost snack efficiency by 87% and finally bring human dignity back to junk food consumption.”
What’s Next?
Following the success of the CheetoVac™, the team is already working on a next-generation model with additional features, including:
AI-powered snack selection to ensure an optimal Cheeto-to-mouth ratio
Whisper Mode, in which the device congratulates the user after each bite
A Bluetooth-compatible app that tracks how many Cheetos have been consumed and texts your doctor when it reaches a concerning amount
Meanwhile, rival snack companies are scrambling to compete. Doritos is rumored to be developing the NachoNado™, a high-powered, chip-launching fan that fires tortilla chips directly into the mouth at “safe but thrilling” speeds.
Until then, Cheeto lovers can rest easy knowing that their days of orange-dusted shame are finally over.
