World Leaders Unite to Abolish Tickling, Declare It a “Violation of Human Dignity”
By Betty Marcuse | March 30, 2025
In a historic and unprecedented global decision, the United Nations has officially banned tickling, declaring it a “fundamental violation of bodily autonomy and human dignity.” The landmark resolution, passed unanimously by all 193 member states, marks the first time in modern history that a seemingly innocuous childhood act has been criminalized at an international level.
The decision follows decades of mounting research and personal testimonies that have reframed tickling—not as an innocent form of play, but as a widespread and often traumatic form of involuntary subjugation. The resolution, formally titled The Global Prohibition of Non-Consensual Tactile Stimulation Act, outlines severe consequences for individuals, institutions, or regimes that fail to comply with the newly established anti-tickling laws.
A United Nations Resolution for the Ages
“This is a victory for personal freedom,” said Secretary-General António Guterres in his address to the General Assembly following the vote. “For too long, people—especially children—have suffered at the hands of those who seek to impose forced laughter and helplessness upon them. Today, the world stands united in declaring: No more.”
Under Resolution 314-TKL, all forms of tickling—whether between family members, friends, or in corporate and political settings—will be classified as a form of non-consensual physical coercion and therefore a human rights violation. The measure extends beyond just physical touch, also outlawing “threats of tickling” and “anticipatory gestures intended to induce fear of tickling.”
Nations worldwide have begun adjusting their legal frameworks accordingly. France, a vocal supporter of the resolution, was the first country to rewrite its penal code, equating tickling with “psychological torture.” Meanwhile, in Japan, the Ministry of Justice has established a special tribunal to handle tickling-related offenses with the same severity as cases of harassment and assault.
The New Global Order: Tickling Is Now Illegal
Effective immediately, tickling is a punishable offense in all U.N. member states. The penalties vary by region:
United States – Classified as a Class A misdemeanor with fines up to $50,000 and mandatory community service in anti-tickling awareness campaigns. Repeat offenders face up to five years in federal prison.
United Kingdom – Any act of tickling without prior written consent now carries a minimum of six months imprisonment, with aggravated cases (such as “sneak attack” tickling) punishable by up to eight years.
Germany – The Bundestag passed the Zero Tolerance Tickling Act, making tickling in public spaces an “unforgivable crime” with penalties of up to €100,000 or forced exile from the country.
China – The government has declared tickling an act of social destabilization, punishable by labor camp sentences and public shaming ceremonies.
Brazil – The Senate has approved a new bill that allows self-defense against ticklers, meaning victims may use “reasonable force” to protect themselves, up to and including kicking their assailants into nearby furniture.
Defying the Ban: The Rise of Underground Tickling Rings
Despite the sweeping reforms, authorities worldwide are already battling underground tickling operations that refuse to comply with the ban. Secret gatherings—known as “laughter dens”—have emerged in major cities, where individuals pay exorbitant fees for illicit tickling experiences in defiance of the law.
In New York City, police raided an illegal tickling speakeasy hidden behind the facade of a jazz club in SoHo. “They had a whole operation—soundproof rooms, fake medical waivers, tickling ‘coaches,’” said NYPD Commissioner Edward Caban. “We found stocks, feathers, even banned copies of The Complete Tickling Handbook. These people were deeply committed to their crimes.”
Meanwhile, in Bangkok, INTERPOL agents uncovered a high-stakes tickling tournament, in which competitors were restrained and subjected to rounds of endurance tickling for cash prizes. Organizers have been arrested and will face prosecution under new international laws.
Punishments for Unrepentant Ticklers
The most controversial aspect of the ban has been the severity of punishments for repeat offenders. The International Criminal Court (ICC) has classified chronic ticklers as "Tactile War Criminals", and those found guilty face lifetime bans from public transportation, schools, and any location where tickling could conceivably take place.
Certain nations have taken harsher approaches:
Saudi Arabia has introduced public lashings for serial ticklers.
Norway mandates forced immersion therapy, where convicted ticklers must endure an endless loop of their own recorded laughter until they break.
Australia has implemented an exile policy, where repeat tickling offenders are deported to uninhabited islands where they must reflect on their actions in solitude.
The End of an Era
With the ban now in effect, world leaders are celebrating what they call a major milestone in human rights. “No one should ever have to experience the loss of control that comes with tickling,” said U.S. President Kamala Harris. “This is a new dawn of respect for bodily autonomy.”
Public response has been largely positive, with 90% of people expressing relief that they will never again be subjected to unwanted tickling. However, a small but vocal group—composed mainly of older siblings and mischievous uncles—has taken to social media to protest, calling the ban an overreach.
Regardless of opposition, the world has spoken. Tickling is over. And for many, the laughter that once accompanied it will now be replaced by a long, satisfied sigh of relief.
